Perimenopause question from husband trying to understand
Posted: Wed Aug 28, 2024 1:51 pm
Hey everybody. This’ll probably sound creepy a question about perimenopause and my wife’s sex drive issues coming from a guy but I’m really trying to understand and be fair and her attitude is really hurting me in ways I am deeply struggling to live with.
My wife is 45. We have been married 12 years have two kids. She has always been more than a little inhibited sexually which has made it hard to be good for her but I do my best while respecting her extensive limits.
She says she is perimenopausal. Actually she has been saying that since she was like 38. That’s been her reason her constantly decreasing sex drive, her increasing hatred of all forms of physical intimacy even non sexual, her constantly increasing limits of things she doesn’t like anymore and her increasing attitude that she’s just doing it for me and it takes too much effort on her part to get into it so she just gives me a performance. God that attitude hurts so much.
Anyway I have two questions.
1. She refuses to get the blood test the doctor recommended because she says she knows she’s peri so what’s the point of getting diagnosed. Isn’t it more than just a simple diagnosis. Doesn’t the blood test like measure hormone levels and help inform possible avenues of treatment. And shouldn’t her doctor have explained all that to her. And that leads me to my second bigger question.
2. My wife basically says she doesn’t want to talk to a doctor about her peri or her basically dead sex drive towards me because she says it’s just a fact of life she’s peri now she had no sex drive and nothing can be done to help it so I should just shut up and accept it. I understand the impact on hormones and decreased sex drive but I am having a hard time buying my wife’s attitude that perimenopause is basically a death sentence for our intimacy and nothing can be done to help so why bother even trying. Like you can’t tell me no woman who has gone through it ever wants to sleep with their partner again. You can’t tell me no woman over 45 had any interest in sex anymore. You can’t tell me there is nothing modern medicine can do that might help even a little bit to at least be worth trying. That attitude of not even caring or missing our spark enough to even make the effort to try and fight for it is killing me. It makes me feel like she’s using this issue not as a problem or obstacle she is disappointed about too and wants to work to overcome but as a doctors note that gives her an excuse to get out of having an intimate relationship she never wanted to have with me in the first place and this is a convenient excuse.
Like if she at least tried and had the attitude that she misses it too and wants to fight for us because she needs me too in that way, even if nothing medically helped much I think just seeing her care and fight for it I would call that meeting me in the middle.
I just can’t believe it’s totally hopeless and I’ll never know what it feels like for her to have any desire for me again for the rest of my life. Am I being unreasonable or am I wrong. Is there really nothing that can be done to help even a little, HRT or something. Is it really a death sentence for our intimacy and I’m doomed to her feeling nothing for me ever again.
I want to be supportive I really do but her attitude is stretching my understanding and patience.
My wife is 45. We have been married 12 years have two kids. She has always been more than a little inhibited sexually which has made it hard to be good for her but I do my best while respecting her extensive limits.
She says she is perimenopausal. Actually she has been saying that since she was like 38. That’s been her reason her constantly decreasing sex drive, her increasing hatred of all forms of physical intimacy even non sexual, her constantly increasing limits of things she doesn’t like anymore and her increasing attitude that she’s just doing it for me and it takes too much effort on her part to get into it so she just gives me a performance. God that attitude hurts so much.
Anyway I have two questions.
1. She refuses to get the blood test the doctor recommended because she says she knows she’s peri so what’s the point of getting diagnosed. Isn’t it more than just a simple diagnosis. Doesn’t the blood test like measure hormone levels and help inform possible avenues of treatment. And shouldn’t her doctor have explained all that to her. And that leads me to my second bigger question.
2. My wife basically says she doesn’t want to talk to a doctor about her peri or her basically dead sex drive towards me because she says it’s just a fact of life she’s peri now she had no sex drive and nothing can be done to help it so I should just shut up and accept it. I understand the impact on hormones and decreased sex drive but I am having a hard time buying my wife’s attitude that perimenopause is basically a death sentence for our intimacy and nothing can be done to help so why bother even trying. Like you can’t tell me no woman who has gone through it ever wants to sleep with their partner again. You can’t tell me no woman over 45 had any interest in sex anymore. You can’t tell me there is nothing modern medicine can do that might help even a little bit to at least be worth trying. That attitude of not even caring or missing our spark enough to even make the effort to try and fight for it is killing me. It makes me feel like she’s using this issue not as a problem or obstacle she is disappointed about too and wants to work to overcome but as a doctors note that gives her an excuse to get out of having an intimate relationship she never wanted to have with me in the first place and this is a convenient excuse.
Like if she at least tried and had the attitude that she misses it too and wants to fight for us because she needs me too in that way, even if nothing medically helped much I think just seeing her care and fight for it I would call that meeting me in the middle.
I just can’t believe it’s totally hopeless and I’ll never know what it feels like for her to have any desire for me again for the rest of my life. Am I being unreasonable or am I wrong. Is there really nothing that can be done to help even a little, HRT or something. Is it really a death sentence for our intimacy and I’m doomed to her feeling nothing for me ever again.
I want to be supportive I really do but her attitude is stretching my understanding and patience.